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Happy Birthday To Me...
Jul. 22nd, 2005 05:50 pmHere it is, another birthday, another normal day out to sea- for the third year in a row. Not that anybody here has really noticed anyway- I've only had 4 people thus far who've remembered that today was my birthday, but I'm really not all that surprised. It's been a busy week, and everybody's starting to settle into the usual routine of like out to sea. Tom's closest friends and roommates are still in North Carolina, tying up all the loose ends before they come back, and for the most part, at least on the surface, life has seemed to return to normal.
Twenty four. It doesn't seem that old, but the more I think about it, the more I realize how quickly the years have slipped away. It seems like only yesterday we were having that massive party for my 20th birthday at the old apartment in Charleston, and only an eyeblink after that my 21st in Hampton. It's made me think about a lot of things recently, mostly about what I've been doing with my life. Losing a friend as close to me as Tom, especially at such a young age, has made me take a long look at where I've been, where I am, and where I'm going in my life. Questions ages old have been swirling through my head the last week:
"Is this all there is?"
"What am I missing out on?"
and the biggest one of all
"If I died tomorrow, who would mourn me, and what would they say about me after I'm gone?"
I was talking to Mike a few nights ago, and he turned to me in the middle of the conversation.
"Do you ever get the feeling like no matter how you're living your life, there's still something you're missing out on?"
I looked at him with a level gaze.
"All the time, man."
I know that I want more than what I have going on in my life right now- I take a look at everything I've got, and it really doesn't count for that much. A car, an apartment, a job yes, but nothing more than that. When we pull in a couple of weeks from now, I'll get another nice reminder of that, as the same drill I've gone through countless times plays itself out once again:
We'll pull in, and I'll make the long slow trudge to my car by myself, make the drive home alone, and when I get back to my apartment, it'll be empty and quiet. Nobody waiting for me on the pier, and certainly nobody waiting at home to excitedly tell me how much she's missed me, and update me on everything that's happened in the last few weeks while I've been gone. It doesn't help that two of the emails I've gotten today had not- so- subtle reminders in them that when the senders were my age, they were both married already. Thanks...just what I really needed to hear.
So here I spend another birthday alone, wishing I were back on land. Hoping everybody else is having a good day, and I'll talk to you when I get back.
Twenty four. It doesn't seem that old, but the more I think about it, the more I realize how quickly the years have slipped away. It seems like only yesterday we were having that massive party for my 20th birthday at the old apartment in Charleston, and only an eyeblink after that my 21st in Hampton. It's made me think about a lot of things recently, mostly about what I've been doing with my life. Losing a friend as close to me as Tom, especially at such a young age, has made me take a long look at where I've been, where I am, and where I'm going in my life. Questions ages old have been swirling through my head the last week:
"Is this all there is?"
"What am I missing out on?"
and the biggest one of all
"If I died tomorrow, who would mourn me, and what would they say about me after I'm gone?"
I was talking to Mike a few nights ago, and he turned to me in the middle of the conversation.
"Do you ever get the feeling like no matter how you're living your life, there's still something you're missing out on?"
I looked at him with a level gaze.
"All the time, man."
I know that I want more than what I have going on in my life right now- I take a look at everything I've got, and it really doesn't count for that much. A car, an apartment, a job yes, but nothing more than that. When we pull in a couple of weeks from now, I'll get another nice reminder of that, as the same drill I've gone through countless times plays itself out once again:
We'll pull in, and I'll make the long slow trudge to my car by myself, make the drive home alone, and when I get back to my apartment, it'll be empty and quiet. Nobody waiting for me on the pier, and certainly nobody waiting at home to excitedly tell me how much she's missed me, and update me on everything that's happened in the last few weeks while I've been gone. It doesn't help that two of the emails I've gotten today had not- so- subtle reminders in them that when the senders were my age, they were both married already. Thanks...just what I really needed to hear.
So here I spend another birthday alone, wishing I were back on land. Hoping everybody else is having a good day, and I'll talk to you when I get back.
