tspencer227: (Karma)
Tiger In A Cage ([personal profile] tspencer227) wrote2015-07-21 01:38 pm

A Long Overdue Return

She squeezed my hand tighter as she slowed her pace, forcing me to stop
walking to turn and look at her. Her hazel eyes burned with an intense
energy from her freckled, sun-kissed face, framed by her long, fiery red
hair.

"I sing, I dance, and I'm a perfect lover," she deadpanned as she looked at
me expectantly.

I could feel my pulse rising as we each took half a step closer to each
other, her long, athletic legs putting her eyes almost perfectly level with
mine. She leaned in towards me, and her eyes started to close as her hand
squeezed mine tighter again-

My eyes snapped open as I suddenly found myself fully awake, and my pulse
still racing from the dream. I lay in the quiet dark of the bedroom, unsure
if I wanted to try and fall back asleep, or if I would feel more guilty if
I did. Behind me, my wife was still quietly asleep, wrapped up in her
blankets as usual, and also as usual, as far away from me on the bed as she
could get. I looked over at her, sighed, and got up to start getting ready
for my day. On the floor on her side of the bed, the dog snored to herself,
blissfully oblivious to the world around her. After showering, dressing,
and packing my gym bag, I leaned over to give my wife a quiet kiss on the
forehead. She didn't respond, no doubt still deeply asleep.

Driving into work this morning, my mind kept rewinding to the dream. It's
not the first time I've had a dream like this, even less uncommon in the
last few months, but this was by far the most vivid one so far. The
emotions had stayed with me, even after being awake for the past couple of
hours, and I knew it wasn't something I'd be able to forget readily.
Especially the most powerful one.

Desire. As in, remembering the feeling of being physically wanted and
desired. It's been a rare sensation for me for a while now.

Two months we've been "married", seven weeks, to be exact, and just over 9
months since we eloped to the Virginia mountains over my fall break, a
semi-impromptu trip that was mostly a product of her guilty conscience of
our "living in sin," since I'd moved in the previous July.

In that time, I can count on one hand since the May wedding, two since the
October wedding, the times that we've been intimate. Granted, there a lot
of factors contributing to this- my wife has been dealing with a lot of
health issues the last few months- anxiety, debilitating headaches and
migraines that send her to bed pretty much as soon as she gets from work,
and a lot of exhausting days that also send her to bed as soon as she walks
in the door from work. And while I've always been good at being empathetic
and patient, it doesn't make it any less difficult for me. I'm not one
who's used to hiding my feelings, or one who's used to not having affection
reciprocated, or my attempts at intimacy, or even closeness, rejected on a
regular basis. As this journal has often bore witness to over the years,
I'm a passionate, physical, affectionate creature, even to a fault more
times than I would admit to most people. And while I've always expected
deep down that I'd someday get married, I never figured I'd be in one of
"those marriages" that would be so devoid of affection, physical
connection, or physical expressions of love- just seeing the relationship
my parents had when I was growing up, and still have today, was the model
for what I'd always looked for, and found, in my previous relationships.

What makes this relationship so different? That's the question now. Will it
change? That's one of many, many other questions. My wife has so far been
resistant to talk to anybody about any of the issues we have as a couple,
and in an effort to respect her privacy, and that of our relationship, I
really don't have anybody to talk to about this.

For anybody who knows me or who has read some of the posts in this journal
(if anybody's even still around to listen), that should be a clue as to how
lonely, alone, and isolated I feel about all of this. And it's why, after
almost four years since my last post in here, and many more years before
that since I've actively posted on a regular basis, I'm bringing this back
into being.

Almost 14 years ago, I started this Livejournal to keep myself sane, to
have somewhere to document my feelings and emotions when I had nobody else
to speak to. Once again, that's my dilemma. And hopefully once again, this
journal will give me a place to keep from having to bottle up all the
feelings and emotions bubbling just under the surface. To keep me sane.

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