The Night the Lights Went Out
Jun. 22nd, 2006 10:29 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
tspencer227So Tuesday night I got a call from Amy as I made the long drive from Santa Ana back to San Diego, inviting me to stay over at her place. After the wonderfully blissful weekend we spent together (more on that later), I thought it'd be a good chance to talk more about some of the things we were both thinking about. I found a convenient parking spot very close by (less likely for the rental to get stolen), and walked in to her apartment.
Type your cut contents here.I could tell right off that something wasn't quite right- I could tell from her body language that she was distracted by something, and when I wrapped my arms around her to kiss her while she put away the dishes from her dinner, she quickly squirmed out of my hold.
"What's wrong?"
She shook her head. "Nothing...just have a lot on my mind...you know with work, and...other stuff."
We sat down on the couch, and I laid her legs across my lap, massaging her long, slim legs as I studied her intently, a distant look very clear on her face.
"OK, well if it's something you want to talk about, I'm here..."
She smiled slightly. "I know," she said in her small voice.
We sat in silence for a few moments longer before she let out a loud sigh.
"This isn't going to work."
My heart stalled for a split- second. I've heard her say that before over the last month or so, and we've always talked about it, but her voice was more firm, more determined than we'd talked about this in the past. Just to be sure she was talking about what I was afraid she was talking about, I asked the obvious question.
"What do you mean?"
A sad look came over her face.
"Us. You. Me. We're both working crazy hours, and most of the time we're too exhausted to really do anything during the week. Then when the weekends come, we don't really have any time to ourselves except then... and then you're going to be moving to Orange County..."
The next thought to cross my mind was, "if I lose her because of this, I'm going to curse the United States Navy Recruiting community until the day I die."
But of course I was completely blindsided by what she'd said, and she knew it. As I looked at her and started fumbling to put into words all of the feelings that were pouring out of my heart, she reached out and grabbed my hand.
"I'm sorry, I know this isn't what you were expecting..." A look of sadness and longing came into her eyes as she gave my hand a squeeze.
All I could do was nod, swallow hard to try and get rid of the lump I could feel welling up in my throat. I took a deep breath.
"Well, I told you that I knew you needed to think about it, and I told you that this was your decision to make..."
She looked at me lovingly. "You're so good to me, and so understanding about everything- that's one of the things I love so much about you! Why are you so understanding like this?"
I paused for a moment before I answered, studying every detail of her lovely face. "Amy, I love you so much more than I can ever put into words, and you know that...and part of that means I want what's best for you...I want you to be happy...whether that's with me or not."
I inhaled deeply before I continued. "I'm not going to lie to you- this isn't going to be easy on me, either...I'm still in shock right now, and I know it won't really sink in for a few days, but I'm going to be miserable without you for a very long time."
She nodded. "I know. And I just want to let you know that I still love you very much, and I don't want to lose you as a friend...or at all..."
"I don't want to lose you either. And everything I've ever said about wanting to settle down and start a life with you-" I swallowed hard again, the lump persistantly rising in my throat- "I meant it. I don't want anything else but to make you happy for the rest of my life."
A broad wave of emotion washed across her, and she scooted down the couch until she was curled up in my arms, her head tucked in tight to my chest- her favorite way to fall asleep in my arms.
"Teddy, I know...which is why I don't want to lose you, either...you're like no other guy I've ever met..."
I smiled down at her and lightly kissed her forehead. "And no other girl makes me feel the way you do."
She nodded. "It's just that, I know I demand a lot out of you, and you keep giving...and I know I haven't been the best at returning that a lot of the time, what with being stressed out from work a lot of the time..and I don't want you to resent me for that." She looked up at me, her big green eyes full of concern.
I sighed again. "Amy, I told you I've gotten over that. I realize I was being selfish, and I know what you're trying to achieve in the long- term..."
"But that's the thing-" she interrupted, "I really don't know what I want right now..."
"Do you want to be with me?"
"Yes, I do...but...I... I know I'm not being fair to you right now." She yawned.
" I stroked the top of her head gently. "Hey babe, you're getting tired. You should get some sleep, and we'll talk more about this tomorrow."
She leaned up and gently brushed her soft lips against mine. "I'm not that tired yet...but I do want to lay down while we talk."
She led the way to her bedroom, leaning over to make sure her window was fully open before plopping down on the pillows. I took off my shorts and laid down beside her. She curled up in the curve of my shoulder like usual, her right arm draped across my chest. In the distance we could hear the soft popping of the fireworks from Sea World. She stiffened slightly as she heard them.
"Are those fireworks or gunshots?"
I smiled. "They're fireworks, love- Sea World does their thing every night during the summer. Actually, you can see them from the end of my street- I'll have to show you that some time."
She looked up at me, her eyes glittering in the dim light from the moon outside. "But doesn't that mean I'd have to be over at your house at night??"
"Um, well, um, I mean, you know, if we were hanging out or something..." I fumbled for my words, caught off guard again, and way too tempted to ask the obvious question that would cross any guy's mind at that point in time.
She giggled. "Don't worry...I don't think I'd mind being over at your house sometime at night...although, you'd have to be careful- I might be tempted to take advantage of you..."
"Funny you should say that..." I started.
"Oh?" She propped herself up on one elbow, looking down into my eyes. "Why's that?"
I hesitated to come right out and say it. "Well...I'm trying to figure out how to put it nicely..."
"Just go ahead and say it," she offered, a little smile forming at the corners of her mouth, "just don't put it in a way that will piss me off."
I nodded. "Got ya."
"So...?"
"Well, I know you're not the type to sleep around..."
"And whatever gave you that idea?" she asked, batting her eyes.
"I don't know, random guess in the dark."
"Ah...so continue."
"And you already know that I don't want anybody but you..."
"So you tell me..." she added a wink at the end to let me know that she was kidding. "What do you propose?"
"Look Amy, I've never been really good at this breaking up thing, and I know that I'm going to keep feeling this way about you for a long time to come- and I know you still love me. So, I guess I was just wondering about what you thought of the whole...well, the whole friends with benefits thing, I guess. And if you want to say no, I could totally-"
She cut me off by rolling over on top of me, covering her mouth with mine as she cradled my face in her hands. Her lips opened, and she teased me with the very tip of her tongue. Un able to resist myself, I did the same thing, pushing her most intense button.
"I was just thinking I might want to take advantage of those benefits right now..." she breathed into my ear before tracing her tongue along the outline of my ear.
Our clothes flew to the farthest corners of the room as we disrobed as quickly as possible, and soon we were lying naked in each others' arms. "Just one thing," she said, those gorgeous green eyes probing deeply into me. "Don't sleep with any other girls without telling me- and that's just because of health reasons."
I kissed her forehead. "Amy Elizabeth Archer, I don't want any other girls. I love you, and I want you.You've meant so much to me over the last 9 months, especially after all we've been through..." my words trailed off, but from the look in her eyes I knew that she knew what I was thinking.
"I know" she whispered softly, then leaned in to kiss me.
The next hour was spent in one of the most passionate lovemaking sessions we've had in a very long time, and when it was all said and done we lay together in each others' arms and talked for a while longer, trying to figure out where exactly we were supposed to go from here.
"So I guess we could call this more of a cooling things down a bit?" I asked as I got up and got dressed to leave.
"I guess so..." she replied. "I love you, and I care about you so much, but..."
"But?"
"I don't know."
I finished getting dressed. "Well babe, I need to get heading home- I've got to get my uniforms and stuff for tomorrow."
"She nodded, standing up to embrace me tightly and kiss me one last time before I left. "I love you so much, Bear."
"And you know I love you, baby girl."
I kissed her goodnight and walked out of the apartment and back to my car, my eyes beginning to water and my feet feeling heavy.
I left the radio off for most of the drive back out to PB, but happened to turn the volume up a little as I crossed the bridge over Mission Bay.
It was one of our songs- the same one I'm listening to right now.
Sleeping alone has never felt worse, and my mind was still reeling as I laid down in my empty, cold bed, wondering what's coming next.
"What's wrong?"
She shook her head. "Nothing...just have a lot on my mind...you know with work, and...other stuff."
We sat down on the couch, and I laid her legs across my lap, massaging her long, slim legs as I studied her intently, a distant look very clear on her face.
"OK, well if it's something you want to talk about, I'm here..."
She smiled slightly. "I know," she said in her small voice.
We sat in silence for a few moments longer before she let out a loud sigh.
"This isn't going to work."
My heart stalled for a split- second. I've heard her say that before over the last month or so, and we've always talked about it, but her voice was more firm, more determined than we'd talked about this in the past. Just to be sure she was talking about what I was afraid she was talking about, I asked the obvious question.
"What do you mean?"
A sad look came over her face.
"Us. You. Me. We're both working crazy hours, and most of the time we're too exhausted to really do anything during the week. Then when the weekends come, we don't really have any time to ourselves except then... and then you're going to be moving to Orange County..."
The next thought to cross my mind was, "if I lose her because of this, I'm going to curse the United States Navy Recruiting community until the day I die."
But of course I was completely blindsided by what she'd said, and she knew it. As I looked at her and started fumbling to put into words all of the feelings that were pouring out of my heart, she reached out and grabbed my hand.
"I'm sorry, I know this isn't what you were expecting..." A look of sadness and longing came into her eyes as she gave my hand a squeeze.
All I could do was nod, swallow hard to try and get rid of the lump I could feel welling up in my throat. I took a deep breath.
"Well, I told you that I knew you needed to think about it, and I told you that this was your decision to make..."
She looked at me lovingly. "You're so good to me, and so understanding about everything- that's one of the things I love so much about you! Why are you so understanding like this?"
I paused for a moment before I answered, studying every detail of her lovely face. "Amy, I love you so much more than I can ever put into words, and you know that...and part of that means I want what's best for you...I want you to be happy...whether that's with me or not."
I inhaled deeply before I continued. "I'm not going to lie to you- this isn't going to be easy on me, either...I'm still in shock right now, and I know it won't really sink in for a few days, but I'm going to be miserable without you for a very long time."
She nodded. "I know. And I just want to let you know that I still love you very much, and I don't want to lose you as a friend...or at all..."
"I don't want to lose you either. And everything I've ever said about wanting to settle down and start a life with you-" I swallowed hard again, the lump persistantly rising in my throat- "I meant it. I don't want anything else but to make you happy for the rest of my life."
A broad wave of emotion washed across her, and she scooted down the couch until she was curled up in my arms, her head tucked in tight to my chest- her favorite way to fall asleep in my arms.
"Teddy, I know...which is why I don't want to lose you, either...you're like no other guy I've ever met..."
I smiled down at her and lightly kissed her forehead. "And no other girl makes me feel the way you do."
She nodded. "It's just that, I know I demand a lot out of you, and you keep giving...and I know I haven't been the best at returning that a lot of the time, what with being stressed out from work a lot of the time..and I don't want you to resent me for that." She looked up at me, her big green eyes full of concern.
I sighed again. "Amy, I told you I've gotten over that. I realize I was being selfish, and I know what you're trying to achieve in the long- term..."
"But that's the thing-" she interrupted, "I really don't know what I want right now..."
"Do you want to be with me?"
"Yes, I do...but...I... I know I'm not being fair to you right now." She yawned.
" I stroked the top of her head gently. "Hey babe, you're getting tired. You should get some sleep, and we'll talk more about this tomorrow."
She leaned up and gently brushed her soft lips against mine. "I'm not that tired yet...but I do want to lay down while we talk."
She led the way to her bedroom, leaning over to make sure her window was fully open before plopping down on the pillows. I took off my shorts and laid down beside her. She curled up in the curve of my shoulder like usual, her right arm draped across my chest. In the distance we could hear the soft popping of the fireworks from Sea World. She stiffened slightly as she heard them.
"Are those fireworks or gunshots?"
I smiled. "They're fireworks, love- Sea World does their thing every night during the summer. Actually, you can see them from the end of my street- I'll have to show you that some time."
She looked up at me, her eyes glittering in the dim light from the moon outside. "But doesn't that mean I'd have to be over at your house at night??"
"Um, well, um, I mean, you know, if we were hanging out or something..." I fumbled for my words, caught off guard again, and way too tempted to ask the obvious question that would cross any guy's mind at that point in time.
She giggled. "Don't worry...I don't think I'd mind being over at your house sometime at night...although, you'd have to be careful- I might be tempted to take advantage of you..."
"Funny you should say that..." I started.
"Oh?" She propped herself up on one elbow, looking down into my eyes. "Why's that?"
I hesitated to come right out and say it. "Well...I'm trying to figure out how to put it nicely..."
"Just go ahead and say it," she offered, a little smile forming at the corners of her mouth, "just don't put it in a way that will piss me off."
I nodded. "Got ya."
"So...?"
"Well, I know you're not the type to sleep around..."
"And whatever gave you that idea?" she asked, batting her eyes.
"I don't know, random guess in the dark."
"Ah...so continue."
"And you already know that I don't want anybody but you..."
"So you tell me..." she added a wink at the end to let me know that she was kidding. "What do you propose?"
"Look Amy, I've never been really good at this breaking up thing, and I know that I'm going to keep feeling this way about you for a long time to come- and I know you still love me. So, I guess I was just wondering about what you thought of the whole...well, the whole friends with benefits thing, I guess. And if you want to say no, I could totally-"
She cut me off by rolling over on top of me, covering her mouth with mine as she cradled my face in her hands. Her lips opened, and she teased me with the very tip of her tongue. Un able to resist myself, I did the same thing, pushing her most intense button.
"I was just thinking I might want to take advantage of those benefits right now..." she breathed into my ear before tracing her tongue along the outline of my ear.
Our clothes flew to the farthest corners of the room as we disrobed as quickly as possible, and soon we were lying naked in each others' arms. "Just one thing," she said, those gorgeous green eyes probing deeply into me. "Don't sleep with any other girls without telling me- and that's just because of health reasons."
I kissed her forehead. "Amy Elizabeth Archer, I don't want any other girls. I love you, and I want you.You've meant so much to me over the last 9 months, especially after all we've been through..." my words trailed off, but from the look in her eyes I knew that she knew what I was thinking.
"I know" she whispered softly, then leaned in to kiss me.
The next hour was spent in one of the most passionate lovemaking sessions we've had in a very long time, and when it was all said and done we lay together in each others' arms and talked for a while longer, trying to figure out where exactly we were supposed to go from here.
"So I guess we could call this more of a cooling things down a bit?" I asked as I got up and got dressed to leave.
"I guess so..." she replied. "I love you, and I care about you so much, but..."
"But?"
"I don't know."
I finished getting dressed. "Well babe, I need to get heading home- I've got to get my uniforms and stuff for tomorrow."
"She nodded, standing up to embrace me tightly and kiss me one last time before I left. "I love you so much, Bear."
"And you know I love you, baby girl."
I kissed her goodnight and walked out of the apartment and back to my car, my eyes beginning to water and my feet feeling heavy.
I left the radio off for most of the drive back out to PB, but happened to turn the volume up a little as I crossed the bridge over Mission Bay.
It was one of our songs- the same one I'm listening to right now.
Sleeping alone has never felt worse, and my mind was still reeling as I laid down in my empty, cold bed, wondering what's coming next.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
Take care of yourself...
Date: 2006-06-26 10:21 pm (UTC)If you did, I really think you should just cut your losses and run. I mean, it's going to be too much drama to do the friends with benefits thing (trust me, I know), and even if you guys still have feelings for each other, you guys aren't together and that's going to become a big thing. One of you will want to get back together and there's a big possibility that the other won't want to...and then someone gets hurt.
Remember, they call it a break up because it's broken.
Re: Take care of yourself...
Date: 2006-06-27 11:28 pm (UTC)But, as much as I hate to admit it, I know you're right (didn't we have this conversation once before a couple of years ago?), and I know that we need to talk soon and figure out if this is going to be a case of fishing or cutting bait. Because I've been down that road before, and I know you're right- if we keep going like this somebody (me) is most definitely going to get hurt badly...Thanks for the reality check. :)