Bros Before Hoes

[tspencer227]

There's a saying that I became intimately familiar with shortly after I joined the Navy and got settled in Charleston, just over ten years ago:

"Nice guys don't get laid."

This is, of course, the corollary to the popular statement:

"Nice guys finish last."

Basically, being considerate, courteous, and compassionate are seen as weaknesses in the dog eat dog that is modern day society. I remember reading once that it goes back to evolution- girls want the guys who are inherently evil to sire their offspring, as passing on those genetic traits are advantageous in the modern world. I've seen it happen more times than I can count- I'll start talking to a girl, and she'll seem interested, but it'll quickly fade, and she'll move on to the pushy guy shooting his mouth off at anybody around him. There's another analogy I once read that seems to put things in perspective perfectly:

"This is roughly the equivalent for the guy of going to a job interview and the company saying, You have a great resume, you have all the qualifications we are looking for, but we're not going to hire you. We will, however, use your resume as the basis for comparison for all other applicants. But, we're going to hire somebody who is far less qualified and is probably an alcoholic. And if he doesn't work out, we'll hire somebody else, but still not you. In fact, we will never hire you. But we will call you from time to time to complain about the person that we hired."

The point of the above is to back up the claim that nice guys really don't get laid.

And then there's my friend Colin. I'm not quite sure how he does it, but he happens to be the antithesis of the above statement. Seriously, girls literally just fall out of the sky and land in his lap. And more often than not, they're naked when they do it. We've been friends for a good nine years now, and we're a lot alike- both classic nice guys, but when it comes to relationships, he's so apathetic it would almost seem as if he's trying NOT to hook up. It's not like he's even particularly good looking, hot, or anything like that- to the contrary, he's on the very skinny side, and as others who read this will comment (I'll avoid naming names), he's kinda goofy looking. But for whatever reason, it works for him.  As The Ex once put it,
"he leads a charmed life."

So there's a friend of my old Reagan circle whom I met last year not too long after The Breakup- she's an ET on the boat, and she was hanging out over at the Coronado house not too long before the ship deployed last year. To say I've been attracted to her would be an understatement- the girl manages to push all the right buttons for me. Red hair, smarts, the right amount of geekiness (she does Ren faires and knows all the words, callouts, and dances to Rocky Horror Picture Show), and from the conversations we've had, I can tell we'd kill each other in the bedroom- did I mention she also has red hair? One little problem, though.

She's had a crush on Colin for a little bit over a year now. However, she didn't do anything about it last year because a different girl that also had a crush on Colin told her to stay away, and that, "she'd invested way too much effort in him already." 

Go figure. So, I thought that had all passed and was done with when we went out last weekend to celebrate The Girl's birthday. We were already several drinks in, and we were supposed to meet a friend of ours at the Shout House downtown. In the cab on the way there, she and I traded stories of escapades, adventures, and flirting. In my mind, I'd already decided that if I was ever going to have a chance with her, tonight was as good as any to try. 

When we got to the Shout House, we met up with our other friend, and I shifted my game into high gear. That night I flirted like I hadn't done in several years, and as far as I could tell it was working pretty well. And then she got drunk. And as soon as she did, I might as well have disappeared from the bar as she started hitting on Colin very hard and very aggressively, in the way that only a girl with a clear-set goal in mind can do. She made it obvious exactly what she wanted, and when she went to the bathroom at one point, Colin and I talked.

Colin: "Dude, I'm really not that interested in her in that way- she's not my usual type." 
Me: "I don't think she's going to take no for an answer. And besides, since when do you have a type?"
Colin: "Good point. But what about your crush on her?"
Me: "Don't worry about that- she's had a crush on you for how long? Besides, it's her birthday. Go for it, dude."

So, being the good friend that I am, what did I do? Give him the condom I had in my wallet. Since I obviously wasn't going to be needing it. There was nothing more to be gained by continuing to try and hit on her when she'd made it abundantly clear that she wasn't interested in me in that way. 

We grabbed a cab home, and instead of taking The Girl to bed as soon as we got back like he should have, Colin decided he wanted to stay up and watch a movie with us. Until about 3 in the morning, when she decided to start making it even more obvious exactly what she wanted, and just how antsy she was getting to get there. At which point I sent Colin a text:

"Dude, she's done being subtle. Hurry up and take her to bed already."

He got the hint, and they disappeared shortly after that.

I'm not really annoyed or pissed off about it- more resigned, I guess. We hung out the next afternoon at her place, and as she got tired near the end of the night, she was cuddling up to him in a way that was annoyingly cute. We'll see what happens with them, especially since Colin's still not really interested in her that way. Chalk it up to another life lesson for me, I guess. And an update to an old truism:

Nice guys don't get laid, unless you're Colin.

Comments

[elipsos.livejournal.com]

"You're a better man than I, Gungha Din"

You may be TOO gentlemanly Ted.... ;)

[tspencer227.livejournal.com]

You know, it wouldn't be the first time I've been told that. This year even. Besides, it was clear that she'd already made her choice, and it would've been awfully childish of me to throw a fit or pitch a tantrum when I apparently never had a chance to begin with.

Besides, I'm told there are lots of other fish in the sea. I just don't know where.