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Sex Changes Everything
Jul. 22nd, 2003 01:13 amI started this journal almost 2 years ago as a way to let out what's in my heart and my mind, to help deal with a lot of things I was going through at the time, and to try to salve some very deep and painful wounds. This is one of those entries.
I talked to her again a little while ago, after a lot more thought and reflection about what had happened over the weekend, and after talking to friends of mine. All of it made me realize that I'd fallen really hard for her, and I'd been wounded a lot worse than I'd thought. In the end, it made me realize a few things, which we talked about.
Appalachian Ali: ok whats up
tspencer227: just thinking about a lot of things.
tspencer227: wondering why I'm feeling like this.
Appalachian Ali: what do you mean?
tspencer227: hurt and lonely....usually I'm the one who rebounds quicker.
Appalachian Ali: i knoooooooooow
tspencer227: and hoping fervently that none of this is hurting you or making you feel bad in any way....you've got enough to deal with as it is.
Appalachian Ali: i don't know what to say, i wish i didn't feel this way either
tspencer227: I know
tspencer227: but you can't help how you feel.
tspencer227: I just am stuck with this feeling like there was something more I could have done, said, etc.
Appalachian Ali: nah, I don't think there is...this would have happened even if it wasn't you
tspencer227: I know....and I know you don't want to turn me into the 'rebound guy'
tspencer227: question: when you think of me now, what comes to mind?
Appalachian Ali: no you're right, i don't
tspencer227: and I thank you for that
Appalachian Ali: not sure really
tspencer227: ok, well what kind of emotion hops into your mind?
Appalachian Ali: well honestly i wish it could have worked out, but its just not going to now
Appalachian Ali: and i didn't realize how i felt until you came and that stinks
tspencer227: meanwhile, the big question everybody's been asking me is whether or not it could in the future....
tspencer227: to which I say it's up to you, of course.
Appalachian Ali: i don't nkow
Appalachian Ali: I don't think I see it happening....
tspencer227: that's what I thought you'd say
tspencer227: you know, as bad as this might sound, I wish now I hadn't slept with you....it would have been a lot easier to deal with...
tspencer227: but I only say that because of the emotions I attached to it
Appalachian Ali: yeah
Appalachian Ali: i guess i agree with you
tspencer227: and now it's just complicated things even more. I made the mistake of thinking it was the beginning of something much deeper, much more meaningful, and I attached all sorts of other thoughts and emotions along with that.
Appalachian Ali: ted i don't know what to say
tspencer227: I know...it's not your fault.
tspencer227: I think I'm going to go down to the beach for a while....I need some time to think.
Appalachian Ali: okay
tspencer227: good night, and I'm sorry.
Appalachian Ali: im sorry too
Appalachian Ali: goodnight
I never should have slept with her....I never should have kissed her, and never should have held her in my arms as we drifted off to sleep. All of those acts made the previous conversation that much more painful, and heading down to the beach wasn't a much better idea. Virginia Beach and Folly are too totally different worlds; finding a dark, quiet place down at the oceanfront is next to impossible, and as I drove down the strip trying to find somewhere to park, I saw scores of happy couples walking along, hand in hand, enjoying each other's company. Seeing all that, set to the backdrop of neon with a soundtrack that drifted out of a dozen different clubs and bars made me feel that much more alone. I finally gave up without even getting out of my car and headed back up here, already composing this entry in my mind. To make matters even more painful, today is my 22nd birthday. Hell of a way to remember the first few hours of being 22, right? I truly hope this isn't an omen of the way the rest of the year is going to go.
Talking to friends of mine, they were all surprised that this whole thing turned out like this. I can remember, somewhere in the back of my mind, the feelings of exhilaration and excitement I used to feel when Ali and I first started down this road. She was, and still is, everything I want, which doesn't help either. I know as I continue to get older, the girls out there who meet all of that are going to become harder and harder to find as they get snapped up by other saps luckier than myself. This whole situation, in a lot of ways, mirrors 2 summers ago, with a few exceptions that should be easy to tell for those who know that story. The difference this was that Ali was a lot more real to me than Jess, who was for the most part a shadow that occupied and haunted my dreams and thoughts. Ali was something I could reach out and touch with all of my senses, with all of myself, and I did so readily. That was my mistake, my downfall for which I'm now paying so painfully.
I'm hoping the next 2 weeks being away from all of this and being able to bury my nose in my work will help. If it can at least distract me for a little while, it may help by the time I get back. If not, well then, this'll just be the first of many entries like this.
I talked to her again a little while ago, after a lot more thought and reflection about what had happened over the weekend, and after talking to friends of mine. All of it made me realize that I'd fallen really hard for her, and I'd been wounded a lot worse than I'd thought. In the end, it made me realize a few things, which we talked about.
Appalachian Ali: ok whats up
tspencer227: just thinking about a lot of things.
tspencer227: wondering why I'm feeling like this.
Appalachian Ali: what do you mean?
tspencer227: hurt and lonely....usually I'm the one who rebounds quicker.
Appalachian Ali: i knoooooooooow
tspencer227: and hoping fervently that none of this is hurting you or making you feel bad in any way....you've got enough to deal with as it is.
Appalachian Ali: i don't know what to say, i wish i didn't feel this way either
tspencer227: I know
tspencer227: but you can't help how you feel.
tspencer227: I just am stuck with this feeling like there was something more I could have done, said, etc.
Appalachian Ali: nah, I don't think there is...this would have happened even if it wasn't you
tspencer227: I know....and I know you don't want to turn me into the 'rebound guy'
tspencer227: question: when you think of me now, what comes to mind?
Appalachian Ali: no you're right, i don't
tspencer227: and I thank you for that
Appalachian Ali: not sure really
tspencer227: ok, well what kind of emotion hops into your mind?
Appalachian Ali: well honestly i wish it could have worked out, but its just not going to now
Appalachian Ali: and i didn't realize how i felt until you came and that stinks
tspencer227: meanwhile, the big question everybody's been asking me is whether or not it could in the future....
tspencer227: to which I say it's up to you, of course.
Appalachian Ali: i don't nkow
Appalachian Ali: I don't think I see it happening....
tspencer227: that's what I thought you'd say
tspencer227: you know, as bad as this might sound, I wish now I hadn't slept with you....it would have been a lot easier to deal with...
tspencer227: but I only say that because of the emotions I attached to it
Appalachian Ali: yeah
Appalachian Ali: i guess i agree with you
tspencer227: and now it's just complicated things even more. I made the mistake of thinking it was the beginning of something much deeper, much more meaningful, and I attached all sorts of other thoughts and emotions along with that.
Appalachian Ali: ted i don't know what to say
tspencer227: I know...it's not your fault.
tspencer227: I think I'm going to go down to the beach for a while....I need some time to think.
Appalachian Ali: okay
tspencer227: good night, and I'm sorry.
Appalachian Ali: im sorry too
Appalachian Ali: goodnight
I never should have slept with her....I never should have kissed her, and never should have held her in my arms as we drifted off to sleep. All of those acts made the previous conversation that much more painful, and heading down to the beach wasn't a much better idea. Virginia Beach and Folly are too totally different worlds; finding a dark, quiet place down at the oceanfront is next to impossible, and as I drove down the strip trying to find somewhere to park, I saw scores of happy couples walking along, hand in hand, enjoying each other's company. Seeing all that, set to the backdrop of neon with a soundtrack that drifted out of a dozen different clubs and bars made me feel that much more alone. I finally gave up without even getting out of my car and headed back up here, already composing this entry in my mind. To make matters even more painful, today is my 22nd birthday. Hell of a way to remember the first few hours of being 22, right? I truly hope this isn't an omen of the way the rest of the year is going to go.
Talking to friends of mine, they were all surprised that this whole thing turned out like this. I can remember, somewhere in the back of my mind, the feelings of exhilaration and excitement I used to feel when Ali and I first started down this road. She was, and still is, everything I want, which doesn't help either. I know as I continue to get older, the girls out there who meet all of that are going to become harder and harder to find as they get snapped up by other saps luckier than myself. This whole situation, in a lot of ways, mirrors 2 summers ago, with a few exceptions that should be easy to tell for those who know that story. The difference this was that Ali was a lot more real to me than Jess, who was for the most part a shadow that occupied and haunted my dreams and thoughts. Ali was something I could reach out and touch with all of my senses, with all of myself, and I did so readily. That was my mistake, my downfall for which I'm now paying so painfully.
I'm hoping the next 2 weeks being away from all of this and being able to bury my nose in my work will help. If it can at least distract me for a little while, it may help by the time I get back. If not, well then, this'll just be the first of many entries like this.
