Tiger In A Cage (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
tspencer227) wrote2006-07-03 02:44 pm
tspencer227) wrote2006-07-03 02:44 pm
The Break-Up
So roughly 23 hours ago, I went over to Amy's place to get the rest of my stuff from her and to talk one last time about why we were breaking up.
But first, a little bit of back- story.
Friday night, I hung out with Melinda, Amy's former roommate and very close friend since high school, and a very good friend of mine ever since we started dating. As we were talking, the conversation invariably turned to Amy and I, and our relationship. Aside from the comments that were made by her that I've already talked about, I also had a few other things confirmed that I had long suspected but tried to overlook for the last couple of months...bananacranapple, I know I've talked with you about this before too.
I learned that:
-Every morning before leaving for work, she gets her day going with a couple of shots of vodka
-She's smoking roughly an ounce of weed every week
-Her mom the Psychiatrist (the one who got drunk and talked shit about the military in front of me and my roommate) has prescribed her anti- depressants for the last several years.
Good stuff to know, huh?
So getting back to where I was going with this, when we went to get my stuff we talked for a long while outside of her apartment- away from her mom. She told me that she thinks it's incredibly fucked up that I've dismissed our relationship so quickly, that what we had wasn't love- it was lust or infatuation, that I'm not being fair to her, and that I've basically wasted the last 9 months of her life.
At which point, I reminded her that she broke up with me.
But, she was on a roll, so I let her finish her train of thought. She also told me that she thinks I have serious issues with commitment and telling the truth, and that the entire break-up shows a huge lack of character on my part. And, given my family history, she couldn't believe she fell for me, and that she should have seen this coming a long time ago, after what happened with my parents when I was a kid.
Finally, she asked me why I didn't think this was working. Still trying to be nice and not exacerbate the situation (especially since my DVD player and DVD's were still upstairs), I told her that deep down, I knew I was looking for a future wife and mother of my kids in a relationship- and I really couldn't see myself starting a family with her. She asked me why, and I said that I thought she was going in a different direction than I was. At which point, she got extremely mad, and told me that I really had no idea how she was going to be as a wife and mother, and that it was a fucked up thing to say...and I bit my tongue and resisted the urge to point out her own issues, and point out what a wonderful example her mom was providing (since I know for a fact that most girls end up turning into their mothers in the long- term). She told me that she thought I should talk to my father and try to get some of my issues resolved, and wished me good luck- and told me I was going to need it.
I grabbed the rest of my stuff and left after I told her to take care of herself. Of course, I was pissed off about her attacks on me, but I still know that I'm in the right, and I figure breaking things off now is the best thing for both of us.
Got home, sat out on the deck with Billy drinking beer and talking, and within 3 hours of me leaving she called me (I didn't answer, of course), leaving a voicemail and asking if I had a couple of her movies (which I do...).
Then, after I got out of the shower this afternoon, I saw she'd sent me a text saying she wanted to talk, and asking me to call her "if/ when you're in the mood".
So, when do yall think I should call her back? Tomorrow? Next week? I really don't want to talk to her right now- she did manage to hurt me with a couple of her last attacks, and I know I really wouldn't be very nice to her on the phone if I talked to her.
But first, a little bit of back- story.
Friday night, I hung out with Melinda, Amy's former roommate and very close friend since high school, and a very good friend of mine ever since we started dating. As we were talking, the conversation invariably turned to Amy and I, and our relationship. Aside from the comments that were made by her that I've already talked about, I also had a few other things confirmed that I had long suspected but tried to overlook for the last couple of months...
bananacranapple, I know I've talked with you about this before too. I learned that:
-Every morning before leaving for work, she gets her day going with a couple of shots of vodka
-She's smoking roughly an ounce of weed every week
-Her mom the Psychiatrist (the one who got drunk and talked shit about the military in front of me and my roommate) has prescribed her anti- depressants for the last several years.
Good stuff to know, huh?
So getting back to where I was going with this, when we went to get my stuff we talked for a long while outside of her apartment- away from her mom. She told me that she thinks it's incredibly fucked up that I've dismissed our relationship so quickly, that what we had wasn't love- it was lust or infatuation, that I'm not being fair to her, and that I've basically wasted the last 9 months of her life.
At which point, I reminded her that she broke up with me.
But, she was on a roll, so I let her finish her train of thought. She also told me that she thinks I have serious issues with commitment and telling the truth, and that the entire break-up shows a huge lack of character on my part. And, given my family history, she couldn't believe she fell for me, and that she should have seen this coming a long time ago, after what happened with my parents when I was a kid.
Finally, she asked me why I didn't think this was working. Still trying to be nice and not exacerbate the situation (especially since my DVD player and DVD's were still upstairs), I told her that deep down, I knew I was looking for a future wife and mother of my kids in a relationship- and I really couldn't see myself starting a family with her. She asked me why, and I said that I thought she was going in a different direction than I was. At which point, she got extremely mad, and told me that I really had no idea how she was going to be as a wife and mother, and that it was a fucked up thing to say...and I bit my tongue and resisted the urge to point out her own issues, and point out what a wonderful example her mom was providing (since I know for a fact that most girls end up turning into their mothers in the long- term). She told me that she thought I should talk to my father and try to get some of my issues resolved, and wished me good luck- and told me I was going to need it.
I grabbed the rest of my stuff and left after I told her to take care of herself. Of course, I was pissed off about her attacks on me, but I still know that I'm in the right, and I figure breaking things off now is the best thing for both of us.
Got home, sat out on the deck with Billy drinking beer and talking, and within 3 hours of me leaving she called me (I didn't answer, of course), leaving a voicemail and asking if I had a couple of her movies (which I do...).
Then, after I got out of the shower this afternoon, I saw she'd sent me a text saying she wanted to talk, and asking me to call her "if/ when you're in the mood".
So, when do yall think I should call her back? Tomorrow? Next week? I really don't want to talk to her right now- she did manage to hurt me with a couple of her last attacks, and I know I really wouldn't be very nice to her on the phone if I talked to her.
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sorry you have to go through this. although, according to the theory of balance, it just means that you have a fucking amazing girl waiting for you down the line. and you'll appreciate her even more after this.
hope things are looking up.
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Hey bud...
I just think it is really a rediculous thought that people feel they should remain friends after a break-up. People say nasty things and that is how they feel deep down...she thinks you have issues...well, who doesn't?! and she apparently does as well...so, let it go my Tedward...just let it go...
My 2 cents
Sounds like you had what my hubby and I lovingly refer to as a 'Social Project.' This is a relationship where, in spite of some really FANTASTIC personal attributes, ranging from physical to intellectual, the person you are dating is psycho either beyond reason or so much in one regard its unbearable. You love that person, so you stay with them because you want to 'help' and you are in love at the same time. Now, I am not saying that Amy is a total psycho, because I never met her. But, I can say from lots of experience that the Social Project relationship is hard to identify while you are in it, because the person SEEMS normal most of the time. BUT, near the end or shortly afterward it hits you... "Damn, that bitch/bastard was a little bit CRAZY."
Anyway, just to reassure you, every normal person can be expected to have a Social Project relationship or two, but not more than that or else you become a Social Project yourself... and no one wants THAT to happen!
Let me give you an example. My husband is mostly normal (by German standards, anyway) and he dated his Social Project for 2 and 1/2 years! :-P She was a sweet country girl that came from a troubled family, and he wanted to help her succeed at school and so forth. The entire time, his friends and even his family were perplexed at his selection of girlfriend. She wasn't that pretty, but in spite of that they knew it just didn't feel right, and couldn't quite explain it.
Almost a year after they broke up, we started dating. She was living in the same dorm building and had been trying relentlessly to rekindle their relationship. It didn't work. And she completely lost it. She called 10 or more times a day, at all hours, harassing the answering machine and his roommate. She broke in one morning and started yelling at him that she loved him and at me that I was stupid for dating such a loser. She started showing up at his place after he graduated and moved out of town, claiming she needed help with her 'International Business Class.' The day after we announced our engagement (we had been together over a year at that point) she called him. She was frantic, bawling, freaking out. Up until that moment, my dear husband had defended her as being just sweet and cooky... in spite of comments from others. But at that moment, he realized that she had been his Social Project. It was an epiphany of sorts. He had wanted to love her and help her to not be crazy at the same time, and it just didn't happen that way because that's not how relationships are supposed to work. Even afterward he had wanted to be 'friends,' but that is impossible for the Social Project relationship. Click here for more info about her... http://personals.yahoo.com/us/preview/preview?search=1&resulttype=1&kws=0&searchinternal=1&position=61&total=196&adid=personals-1109944980-275572&affid=&searchview=1&searchsort=1&speed=2&advanced=1&primary=&searchname=&frmsrch=1
She's still crazy. We had to put all the utilities in my name because she kept tracking us down and calling. She called his uncle for several Christmases in a row just to 'check in.' She looked up Alex's place of employment and called him there randomly (after we were married) to say that she felt like they were 'drifting apart...'
So anyway, congrats on surviving the Social Project relationship. There are no hard fast rules about what qualifies one, but you know it when you're through... and by reading your Journal, I can tell you with much certainty that that's what you had.
Go get some from somewhere else, already!
:-)
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First, Andre says hi too.
Second. Drop off her DVD's when she's not there, and then run like he**. Don't worry about calling. It will just draw things out even more. As my mom likes to say: just give it some time and space.
Good luck. :)
SB
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While I don't know her, I do know this: I have been that girl. And it actually hurts LESS when he doesn't call or text me back. It hurts LESS when I have time away from him and the relationship to heal myself (with help from my girlfriends). It hurts MORE when he's around or available.
She broke up with you. Let her deal with that.
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Also, now that you have your stuff back, you can say what you want to her...although if I were you, I'd be the bigger person, get the frustrated thoughts out in another avenue and just be calm with her. Eventually, she'll realize that she sucks on her own. Don't fuel the fire, ya know?
Most of these ppl are right
In response
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I'm way late with my comments so I haven't caught up to speed but I'd say don't call her and I think it's incredibly big of you to bite your tongue while you were verbally abused.
*huggles*
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(belated but still)